


Blinding Lights

by bliffle



Category: Steven Universe (Cartoon)
Genre: F/F, Torture
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-07-16
Updated: 2017-08-08
Packaged: 2018-12-02 18:12:49
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 6
Words: 6,899
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11514753
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/bliffle/pseuds/bliffle
Summary: Pink Diamond was resurrected from her shattered remains but at a cost. Now, under White's supervision, Pink must undergo tortuous amplifications to return to the gem she once was, learning along the way what happened.





	1. Chapter 1

_I am._

The feeling of existence. It was indescribable, she couldn’t possibly begin to put words into what she was feeling at that very moment, but she had felt it before, long ago. So long ago that the memories bled together like a long drawn out note in a song of infinity, but she still remembered.

She knew nothing. She could see nothing, hear nothing. But she was _there_.

Before the first time she was born there were no memories, just _feelings_. There were feelings before this time too but they were different. Empty. Broken. She knew she was someone but she couldn’t piece herself together, couldn’t piece together thoughts of anything. The feelings she felt the first time were warm with life, hopeful of possibility, unburdened by any sense of what was before. The second time, before the rebirth, they were broken and jagged, sudden in form, coming out of know where. She wasn’t expecting her world, her being, her memories and thoughts and everything that made her _her_ too just—break. It was wrong and she needed to fix it but she didn’t know how and she didn’t know why and she didn’t know anything at all—

But those memories didn’t matter anymore. She knew who she was now.

_I am Pink Diamond._

*

Thoughts.

That’s all she was right now. Not a Diamond yet but soon. She just needed a chance to…catch her breath, as the humans say. She needed no breaths to catch but it was a turn of phrase. An expression. There were many in her language. She was remembering now. She imagined the words of her tongue because she didn’t have the tongue to form them. But she would soon.

She would need words when she formed. When she faced the other Diamonds and they looked at her with questioning eyes and thin mouths because any explanation she could possibly give would displease them. _Pink_ , they would say, _how could you allow yourself to get shattered?_

She would need to use her words. But she couldn’t find the right ones right now.

Soon.

*

When she first felt the thoughts of being she couldn’t wait to form.

She knew only her name and yet she burst out of the ground laughing. She didn’t waste time to catch her breath—now was the time to be alive. She would think of what to say and do next with the wind in her hair and the sun on her face.

The others were not far away. They heard the crumbling of rock, the breaking of earth, and ran to greet her. The first face she saw was White.

How could she possibly face her now?

*

White had taught her everything she knew. How to speak in words. The history of their planet, of _them_. How to walk and dance and float and swim and bring the world to its knees.

She taught her to sing. _Your greatest strength is your voice_ , she had told her many times. She hummed her a tune, a simple four note melody, and told her to sing it to herself whenever she felt alone, to remind her that there are always three others she could rely on.

She sung it many times in her life. She sung it the day she died.

But she was all alone then.

She was all alone now.

*

She thought she heard it. But she couldn’t possibly have. Thoughts could not hear.

Perhaps she had imagined it? Perhaps she had sung it herself.

But she had no mouth. Not yet.

Was she not alone?

*

It was White who made her feel loved first. It was in all three of their eyes, their smiles, their sparkling laughs only for her, but White had made sure she _knew_ she was loved.

White was strong and graceful. She was a queen of the stars, a Goddess walking amongst her people. Her embraces were both comforting and breathtaking. When Pink was very young, White would sit her on her lap and tell her stories while Pink played with the frills of her garments or even her hair. White was a foreboding gem, but she had a careful patience for Pink.

When she was older White began treating her like she did Yellow and Blue, kissing her gently and sending shivers through Pink’s light-form.  Pink would curl up with her and let White show her love, and Pink would show her love in return.

 _I love you_ , White would say, stroking her hair in the way that she did, or kissing her softly on the forehead, or cupping her face gingerly and smiling her small, close-lipped smile.

Pink would be nestled into her like she belonged there, like she was home.

_I love you too White._

*

Her innate need to form overpowered her cowardice. It was cowardice. No need to pretend it wasn’t. If it were up to Pink she would stay in her gem, nothing but thoughts, but it wasn’t up to Pink. The urge to form was as powerful now as it was back then. Back when she had no thoughts, only painful feelings of something not right. It was primal. She needed to be.

She needed to form.


	2. Chapter 2

The fear buckled beneath her as she felt herself take shape. The thoughts turned to glowing light, and the glowing turned to hands, feet, limbs, torso, face. She heard the gasps as she formed her mouth, her fingernails, her clothing to cover herself.

When the glow faded to hard light she felt herself crumple to the floor. She couldn’t open her eyes. She was made of light but it was dark all around her.

_This isn’t right,_ she thought to herself. _I can’t move._

“Pink!” Someone said. _Someone_. She told herself she didn’t know the face of that voice because it sounded so far away and yet the shameful tears leaked down anyway because she had forgotten. Stars knows how long it has been and she’d _forgotten._

“She’s hurt!” Another voice said. Not the same one, but still she could not figure out which sister gem it was that said it. She wanted to open her eyes and see their faces but her eyelids felt like lead.

“Something’s wrong…” the first voice said.

“Her form is not stable,” said a third.

This voice was right above her. She felt herself being lifted up by strong hands into a sitting position.

“How? It’s been months and her form looks fine to me—“ the first said.

“She was…”

But the third voice, the one closest to her, could not finish. Pink thought the shame would choke her.

Someone hissed. Another sobbed. She felt someone brush her hair in the way that she always did.

_White._

White held her steady with one arm and petted her with the other. Pink wanted to lean into the touch but her weakness wouldn’t let her.

“It’s not like she simply retreated into her gem,” White said finally, slowly and carefully, probably watching Yellow and Blue through piercing gray eyes the way she did when she was saying something important. “She’s weak.”

“Will she have to retreat back into her gem and make a more stable form?”

“No,” White said. “Well, I don’t think that would help. I have an idea.”

“And what is that?” Someone said at once, the second voice.

White hummed.

“She’s crying,” the first voice said quietly.

Pink’s shame was unbearable. She felt herself being shifted so that White could she her tear-stained face.

“She is,” she agreed.

“Can she hear us?” the first voice said.

No one said anything but Pink imagined them all watching her carefully. _No_ , she wanted to say, or not say. _I’m not here_ , she wanted to be.

White hummed again.

“You still didn’t answer my question,” the first voice said.

“Yellow,” White said, and Pink could kick herself. _Of course that’s Yellow._ “You don’t trust me?”

“What kind of question is that?” Yellow spat. “Of course I don’t trust you. How could I after—“

“Yellow!” Blue said, the only one left. “What if Pink can hear—“

“So what if she can?” Yellow said, but fell silent.

“My idea,” White said in her careful monotone, “is to give her more energy. Her light form is unstable because even though her gem is healed, it has lost its strength and durability. Creating a physical form is about as much as it can do right now.”

“Giving her more energy?” Yellow repeated slowly. “That’s vague.”

White touched Pink’s gem lightly. Pink almost shivered.

“Watch.”

White light erupted into Pink’s vision. She felt it course through her body, pulsating like a beat with no sound, surging like a song without a tempo, touching every inch of her. He mouth began burning.

She groaned and gasped, breathing ragged. The white left her and darkness closed in again.

“Pink?” Pink felt White cup her face and tilt it up. “Can you hear me?”

Pink wanted to say yes but all that came out was a whimper.

_Pathetic._

“Pink!” Blue gasped.

“Thank the stars,” Yellow sighed.

“Can you get up?” White said, her grip laxing suddenly.

Pink tried to move but nothing worked. All she could do was make sounds.

She groaned again, hoping it sounded a little like a no. White hummed again.

Pink was lifted gently in the air, her legs dangling from the crook of White’s arm.

“Yellow, take her.”

“Why?” she said, but Pink was already being passed to her. Yellow’s arms constricted around her like a vice.

“I need to figure out how to help Pink more efficiently,” she said, sighing. “She barely improved and that took so much out of me.”

“Can we do anything?” Blue asked.

“Just watch her. If anything happens come get me. I’ll be in the engineering room.”

Pink listened to her clicking heels fading away. Yellow’s arms relaxed around her and Pink slumped a little.

“Should we trust her?” Yellow asked Blue quietly.

Blue didn’t answer right away. Pink held her breath.

“What choice do we have?”


	3. Chapter 3

Pink wasn’t sure how long it had been since she reemerged from her gem. The other two Diamonds had laid her in a bed and talked quietly amongst themselves. They tried getting Pink to talk but it was no use. She hardly had the strength to lift her tongue and open her mouth, sometimes she didn’t even have the strength to do that. Sometimes she wished that her form what just fail her and she could retreat back into her gem.

Pink was sure she was in White’s palace, the grandest place on Homeworld. The bed she laid on was so large she couldn’t stretch to reach the edges (not that she could even move an inch). She was surprised she didn’t hear the whispered footsteps of one of White’s many Pearls, or at least hear White’s voice commanding them. In fact, Pink had not heard any other gem besides the three other Diamonds.

 _They’ve shut me away_ , Pink told herself. _And who can blame them? Not even the Pearls are allowed to see me._

“Pink,” Yellow said, in such a gentle voice that Pink wasn’t sure at first if it was her or Blue that was talking. “Can you hear me?”

Pink made a small noise but couldn’t quite open her mouth.

“White’s coming. She’s bringing something to help you.”

“You’ll be better soon Pink,” Blue offered close by.

Pink felt a hand rest on her head. It could have been either one of theirs. If was very rare any of them ever touched her. The kindest part of her told her it was because they were afraid of hurting her fragile form. The louder, harsher side told her it was because they were disgusted with her weakness.

She wanted to make some sort of murmur of approval at the touch but what came out instead was a whispered whine.

“She’s getting worse,” Blue said.

Yellow cursed. “Where is she?”

A door banged open somewhere far away. The hand left her head.

“Stay with her. I’ll help White.”

Pink waited with Blue, who sat on the edge of the bed (Pink felt it dip with her weight) as Yellow and White made their way back to the room, their footsteps slow and heavy.

“What is that?” Blue gasped.

“Ask White,” Yellow huffed.

There was a loud bang and if Pink weren’t so insufferably feeble she would have jumped.

“This is an amplifier,” White said, her voice thin from strain. “It’s powered by one of my energy cores.”

“An energy core from where?” Yellow asked.

Silence.

“One of my ships,” White said finally.

Blue gasped again as Yellow rounded on White.

“You can’t be serious. That will shatter her!”

“No it won’t. Not if we’re careful.”

“Are you certain White,” Blue asked, her delicate voice suddenly icy.

Something hung in the air that Pink didn’t quite understand. It cackled in silence and fell heavy like dense air.

“Yes,” White said. “I tested it on myself."

Someone sucked in a sharp breath.

“That’s dangerous,’ Blue said softly.

“That’s stupid,” Yellow snapped.

“Both true,” White said, “but it will help Pink.”

“It won’t hurt her then?”

“I didn’t say that.”

Suddenly something cold clamped the sensitive skin on her arms. Pink cried out in alarm, much louder than she thought she could.

“Careful!” Yellow snapped.

White ignored her. “Pink…are you listening?”

Pink opened her mouth but nothing came out.

“Pink, darling…this is going to hurt.”

Suddenly the white light was back again, blinding, but now it was hot, hot white. It scorched through her, searing her with every throb. It forced her mouth wide and she screamed. She screamed but it was deafened by the white noise that _burned_ her raw. Her eyes snapped open and was met with white nothingness and blinding, melting pain. She felt her hands clench in agony, her fingernails digging into the soft palms of her hands, and her feet curl away from the flames licking every part of her.

This was worse than being shattered. Shattering was painful but quick. She prayed for the light to tear her apart until she didn’t remember anymore.

Pink didn’t know how long it went on (time doesn’t exist in torture) but eventually the light and heat began ebbing away, leaving Pink soaked in sweat and tears.

Voices far away. Blurred figures on the edge of her vision. Pink willed her eyes to open a little more and they did.

_It worked._

She studied the three figures at the side of the bed as they became more focused. Blue was turned away, one hand covering her mouth and the other grasping the bedpost. Pink could see she was shaking. Yellow was screeching at White, her eyes bugged out with anger and a finger thrusting in her face. White’s brow was burrowed in a dangerous way. One of her hands rested on a console nearby.

Pink turned her eyes slightly and saw the source of her pain: the amplifier. It was a large, circular silver machine with a white orb in the middle. Out of it were three cords, two of which were connected to the clamps on Pink’s arms. The other cord connected to the console White was manning.

“Did you hear her!?” Yellow was saying, her voice growing louder, like someone was turning the sound of the world up. “Do you even care!?”

“I said it was going to hurt,” White said. She didn’t raise her voice but Pink recognized the sternness. Yellow was treading on dangerous waters. “You need to calm yourself Yellow.”

“White that was _torture_ —“

“Yellow!” White yelled suddenly, and the loudness of her voice seemed to shake the room. “Calm. Yourself.”

Yellow clenched her teeth but took a step back. Blue laid a hand on her shoulder but still did not turn around.

“Is she alright?” Blue asked, her voice a whisper.

White and Yellow turned to look at Pink and they both met her open eyes.

“Pink,” Yellow said, rounding to the other side of the bed.

“You’re awake,” White said softly.

Blue whipped around as Yellow reached and grabbed Pink’s hand.

“How are you feeling,” Yellow asked.

Pink’s throat felt raw but still she opened it and rasped. “Fine.”

It was a lie of course but Yellow beamed anyway.

“Darling Pink,” she cooed, “you can talk.”

“I wish…you wouldn’t…fight.”

Yellow frowned but otherwise ignored her comment. “Was it as bad as it sounded?”

Pink turned to look at White, who had stepped away to stand in the shadows, arms crossed. Her silver eyes glowed with an unreadable expression.

“No.” She wondered if it was easy to tell a lie through a ragged voice.

Yellow narrowed her eyes. “You were screaming.”

Pink grimaced. “Was I?”

“Your form needs to time to stabilize,” White said. She reached over and unclamped Pink from the machine, her eyes dancing over the magenta marks they left on her skin. “We’ll carry on with this next week.”

Pink’s breath caught in her throat. “Next week?”

White nodded.

“I thought we were done?” Pink heard the sob in her own voice before she felt the tears.

White raised her eyes to meet Pink’s and Pink was sure she saw them shining with her own. “No.”


	4. Chapter 4

Pink spent the week between her first and second amplification listening to Blue and Yellow talk about the years without her. For thousands of years they carried on after her seemingly permanent demise, and Homeworld had changed so much since she was shattered.

“We missed you every day,” Blue reassured her, laying on the bed next to her and running a hand through her tousled pink hair.

“But we had to move on,” Yellow reminded Blue. She sat on the edge of the bed, looking out of a tall, silver-curtained window.

“I can’t imagine running Homeworld with only three Diamonds,” Pink said. Her voice had improved greatly over the week but it still sounded tiny compared the booming voices of the other three. She coughed in embarrassment, as if the weakness could be shaken loose.

“It’s not like you did much,” Yellow said, turning toward Pink and giving her a sly smile.

Pink knew Yellow was just teasing but Pink couldn’t help but let the humiliation flood her cheeks magenta.

“How _do_ you three manage it?”

“Not having an Earth colony to worry about certainly helps.”

“You’ve all been here this whole time though,” Pink said, ignoring Yellow’s jab, “I mean, since I’ve come back. You don’t have colonies to manage? Gems to command? You don’t have to mind me, if you need to intend to your Diamond duties, I’ll be fine.”

Blue shook her head. “We don’t much to do. We can stay with you a while longer.”

“But I don’t understand—“

“The Crystal Gems didn’t just hand you over,” Yellow said. Her eyes narrowed. “They didn’t heal you out of the good of their hearts. There was a price to pay.”

“The Crystal Gems? A price?”

Blue and Yellow looked at each other, their faces unreadable.

Pink suddenly felt hollow.

“You didn’t…surrender?”

Blue sighed. “Everything.”

“What?”

“We surrendered everything,” Yellow said quietly. “Not just the Earth. Our gems, our colonies, our sovereign authority. We’re the only ones left on Homeworld. Everyone else is gone, either by their own will or by force.”

 “I—“ Pink choked. “You didn’t…do that all for me?”

Their eyes softened.

“Of course we did love,” Blue said, kissing the top of her head.

Yellow grabbed her hand. “There would be nothing else we’d do it for.”

 _It wasn’t worth it_ , Pink thought, contemplating the worn faces of her sister gems as they gazed at her with something like warmth, something like regret, _was it?_

*

The week seemed to race by before White came sweeping back into the room, her heels clacking on the hard marble floor. Yellow and Blue had left to make rounds on Homeworld a day ago, looking for stubborn rogue gems, and had not come back yet.

“It’s time again,” she said, touching the panel. The machine’s orb glowed bright light and the silver surrounding it shifted, its parts moving in mechanical perfection.

“Must we?” Pink said, and why did her voice have to sound so haggard? “I think I’m making progress on my own—“

But White was already shaking her head, tugging the cords from the amplifier and reaching for Pink’s arm. “You won’t get better unless we do these sessions. Are you ready?”

Before Pink could answer White had clamped one arm and was reaching for the other. Pink willed her arm to move but they stayed, unable to wince away from the cold sting.

“Please, White. I don’t want to do this.”

White looked her in the eyes, her own dull gray and heavy with something. Exhaustion? Worry?

Contempt?

She looked Pink in the eyes as she touched the panel and Pink’s whole world exploded in white.

*

She came too, and Pink was certain it was worse than before.

The only thing she remembered was pain and blinding lights, and it lingered even long after White had turned the machine off and freed her arms. She felt White pull her into her lap but it was a long while before Pink could keep her eyes open and speak.

“White…”

“No, Pink. It’s Blue.”

Pink gripped tighter but didn’t feel the heavy soft cloth she nuzzled against before. Instead, the silky fabric of Blue’s cloak slipped beneath her fingers.

“Where’s White?”

Blue hissed suddenly, causing Pink to recoil slightly. She looked up and saw Blue’s eyes flashing an emotion she didn’t often see in her: anger.

“White should not have done that with us gone.”

Pink gulped, her skin tingling at the words not said, the pain she still felt. She squeezed tighter onto Blue and realized her fingers were clutching Blue’s back, her arms were taught and bulging, and her legs were clenched around Blue’s torso. She lifted a hand up from behind Blue and studied it, slowly rotating it in the air, watching it turn without effort at her silent command.

“Blue,” she whispered, “I can move.”

“What,” Blue said, but Pink had already flung herself off and jumped upright. Her legs held her, miraculously held her, and she pulled an astonished Blue into a tight embrace and began bouncing on the bed.

“I can move!” She squealed, and held onto Blue’s hands as she twirled her around. Her eyes were closed with delight but she heard a giggle bubbling from her sister gem, and then a hearty laugh, and Pink answered with her own, and it was just the two of them laughing in each other’s arms.

A door banged open from somewhere far off, but Pink did not want to reach down and greet it, did not want to leave this heavenly place with Blue until she heard the voice that made that sound.

“My stars,” Yellow said, uncharacteristically quiet.

“Yellow!”

Pink flung off the bed and ran to hug Yellow, almost bowling her off her feet. Yellow’s strong arms caught her and kept the two of them steady.

“You’re moving!” Yellow said, her voice climbing, and she laughed too.

And it was the three of them, laughing and crying and hugging and dancing and Pink thought, just for a moment, that whatever pain she had to go through would be worth moments like this.


	5. Chapter 5

Three days after her second amplification, Pink saw White again. Blue and Yellow had given her a tour of the palace (it was just as Pink remembered, but it was eerily empty without all the other gems around) just to get her out of that bedroom. Pink wanted to explore the whole planet, at least see the a little of the outside, but White had forbidden it. She said she wasn’t strong enough yet.

Yellow and Blue rolled their eyes when they told her this and Pink had the burning sensation to stalk up to White wherever she had holed herself up and show here how strong she really was. But Pink never held on to anger long and just as she thought it, the anger wilted away into sheepish shame. White was only doing what she thought was right. She just wanted to help Pink.

Pink remembered this when White came back into her bedroom where Pink sat waiting on the bed, her leg twitching in nervousness (and perhaps defiance). Blue and Yellow stood some ways away, Yellow with her arms crossed, Blue with her hood pulled up and hands folded neatly before her.

White greeted the two with a curt nod, before turning to Pink.

“I see that what Yellow and Blue tells me is right. You’ve improved greatly.”

“I can move,” Pink said. The sentence that gave her so much joy before slipped past her lips subdued under White’s careful stare.

White gave her a small smile, and despite everything, Pink melted a little. “Very good. I think we need to measure your progress from now on, to make sure that by the end you have gained all your strength back. Have you’ve been able to use any of your powers?”

Pink blinked. “Powers?”

White raised an eyebrow. “You remember, surely? Your shapeshifting? Your elemental control? Summoning your light weapon?”

“I-I remember. I just didn’t…think about those.” Pink caught the worried glances of Yellow and Blue before turning back to White’s patient stare.

“Go on,” she said.

Pink tried but knew before she started that it was no use. Nothing shifted in her form, and nothing came from her hands, and no weapon appeared from her gem. Pink turned away in shame, but White turned her face back around gently so that she was staring into those silver eyes.

“You have improved, and I am very proud love, but I know you can improve more.”

Pink tensed as if White had slapped her. “No…”

“The amplifications—“

“White, please, no more amplifications _please_ —“

“—are helping,” White finished, her hand still grasping Pink’s chin so that Pink could not turn away and hide her tears. “They’re giving you the energy you need to regain all of your strength. Don’t you want to be yourself again?”

Pink felt the tears continue to trail down her cheeks and almost laughed at the irony. _I am myself. Right now. The weakness you see is the real me._

“Don’t you want to be strong?” White offered.

“Yes,” she said. It wasn’t a lie but it was hollow.

*

White decided that although Pink had gained all of her strength in her voice and sight back, she was still exceptionally weak in terms of physical strength. Walking and jumping and dancing was not enough for White—she determined that Pink was only able to lift and move the fraction of the weight she was able to previously, a mere 25% of her natural capabilities. Her endurance was better, but not by much. And all of her unique gem powers were absent, marked 0% on White’s portable screen.

“How many more?” Pink asked White, as she tapped the screen away.

“Just a few,” she told her, “the next session will be in four days.”

And she left Pink, with Blue and Yellow and the brooding knowledge that shortly she will be wishing for death.

*

The day came and although Yellow and Blue were in the room this time, Pink felt utterly alone as White once again clamped her to the amplifier.

Pink fought back this time. It was if as she was watching from above, unable to control herself as she ripped the clamps from her arms and threw them at White. White was on top of her at once, bellowing for Yellow and Blue to help her. Blue faltered immediately, unable to even look at Pink writhing beneath White’s grasp as she sunk to the floor sobbing, but Yellow marched forward, mechanical as she picked up the clamps from the ground and stuck them back on Pink’s arms.

“Turn it on,” White said. Pink screeched and begged her not too.

Yellow looked away, face blank, and placed a hand on the panel.

*

It had been much worse than before. Pink was sure she had asked someone to shatter her. The door slammed shut far away and someone cursed, but Pink hardly registered any of that because the energy was still coursing through her body long after the white faded away. The pain was unbearable.

Pink wasn’t sure how she lived through it. Was it even possible to keep living after going through such pain?

She felt different hands, different bodies, different heats at different times. Her sister gems must be taking turns minding her. How long had she been in this agonizing limbo between the blinding white light and reality?

When the buzzing finally faded and she could open her eyes and see more than just darkness and blurry figures, it was Yellow who was holding her. She was sound asleep, snoring as boisterously as she talked. Pink had taught her how to sleep thousands of years ago, a lesson from the organics on Earth.

Pink pulled Yellow closer to her and Yellow mumbled lovingly in her sleep. She ran a hand through her carefully placed yellow hair and let the strands settle between her fingers. She gripped them, right up to the scalp, and soundlessly wondered if she could throw Yellow, just by her hair, out the window. Her arms flexed like they could.

Yellow’s breath hitched in her sleep and Pink petted her hair back down. She kissed her long nose in apology.


	6. Chapter 6

Days later, Pink practiced in a rare moment alone. She was able to shift her form but she struggled with anything that required her to become larger or smaller than she actually was. Pink could still not use her element, or summon her weapon.

Any moment, White could come in and test her again, and she wouldn’t be good enough. She feared she would never be good enough.

Yellow and Blue were gone on a mission. White was holed away somewhere in the palace. If Pink wanted to, she could leave. She had legs that moved now, after all.

The things that kept her in that room, her love for and loyalty to the others, the knowledge that they wanted to help her, felt tiny compared to the fear and the pain that jolted up her spine every so often, when her eyes caught a glimpse of the terrible silver and white machine that she tried to pretend wasn’t there. She could break it, but the orb was powerful on its own and damaging it was exceptionally dangerous. She could hide it but where? She could throw it out the window.

Or she could just leave.

Pink tried to walk as if she had every right to leave that room but her steps were too soft, too rushed for a Diamond who owned the ground she walked on. No, this ground belonged to White, this palace belonged to White, that wretched machine belonged to White…

 _I don’t belong to White._ She repeated the words in her head but didn’t dare say them out loud in fear that White, wherever she was, would hear her and take her, calmly but sternly, back into the room. Silent and feeble, the words still egged her on, kept her legs moving towards somewhere, anywhere, that wasn’t that room.

She ghosted past the white walls, sparkling and pristine, and watched as they morphed into dull gray, then somber black. She never ventured into this part of the palace, the forbidden areas only for White and her top technicians and engineers. She heard the sounds of machinery, humming always, even in the lightest parts of the palace, grow louder, clanking and grinding and whistling. She breathed in the humid air of steam and something else, something both putrid and exhilarating. It tasted like death and life at once.

She made her way to a heavy black door. She placed her hand on the panel, throwing quick glances behind her, and praying it would accept her and open. It did but it groaned loudly, the black metal scraping the ground as it slowly moved, and Pink winced. She darted inside the moment she was able and looked around.

Pink couldn’t believe her luck. She had found White’s hangar. A large spaceship, ornate and old, thousands of years old, sat alone in the middle of the large, coal black room. Pink remembered this ship from when she was young, when White showed her Homeworld’s galaxy on an extended trip, just the two of them. A welcome into the Diamond Authority.

She doubted White flew it now but Pink was confident it still worked. White was not in the habit of letting machinery rust away. She was sure to keep everything in immaculate condition, even if she was never planning on using it again.

Pink raced to the ship’s door. A single panel lay beside it. This panel, this dusty gray panel, stood between Pink’s prison and her freedom.

She touched it. It didn’t do anything.

Pink frowned, then placed her hand down again, her fingers splayed. It remained dull.

“No,” Pink said. She placed her other hand on it, then slammed it, over, and over, and over.

“No, no, no, no, no.”

She crumpled to the ground, her hand sliding down the front of that useless panel before smacking loudly on the hard jet black floors. She flexed her fingers, scouring her fingernails downward as if she could dig her way out. She left silver gashes in the floor.

She heard slow footsteps but her despair did not allow her to feel fear. She stayed on the ground as someone came up close from behind her.

“Of all the ships to pick from Pink, why this one?”

Pink did not answer. She owed White no answers.

“This is where I harvested the energy core from,” White said. Pink felt White’s robes sweep her legs as the elder Diamond knelt beside her. She felt White’s eyes boring into the side of her head but Pink still did not look up. “That’s why it’s not working.”

It was not quite silence that settled around them, not with the loud machinery everywhere, but Pink did not speak and neither did White for some time.

When White spoke again it was a gentle murmur that Pink almost didn’t hear. “Where would you go, if you could go anywhere?”

 Pink shook her head. “Anywhere but here.”

“Where were planning on going?”

“I wasn’t planning on going anywhere,” Pink said.

“That’s a lie,” White said.

Her voice broke through the loud rumbling of machineries like a paper-thin razor. Dangerous. Warning.

“I meant,” Pink said, fumbling, “I meant I wasn’t planning on going anywhere in particular. Just away.”

 “And what would that solve? I would just come get you.”

The despair and the hatred and the memories of pain bubbled up her throat and almost squeezed it shut.

“I didn’t know what else to do,” she choked.

White sighed. “Pink, look at me.”

Pink shook her head but White’s hand shot out like a viper and snatched her just underneath her chin. Pink winced but White did not pull hear head to look at her. Instead, she moved her hand up to her cheek and, sighing softly, caressed it lightly with the tips of her fingers.

“Pink, the sooner we get through these amplifications, the sooner you’ll recover fully—“

“What if I never do?” Pink said. She felt so vulnerable telling her fears to White, but the words were tumbling out now and she couldn’t stop them. “What if I never go back to what I used to be? What if you never unhook that machine from me and I’m stuck in that blinding light forever? What if—what if—“

Without thinking, Pink turned into White’s patient hand on her cheek to smother the sobs spilling from her throat. White let her, scooted closer.

“Come here,” White whispered.

Years ago, when White said those words, Pink didn’t ever hesitate. Being with White was a privilege that almost never presented itself. White was cold, distant, aloof. She was always busy and rarely had a moment. If Pink found herself in White’s chambers, and White muttered those words underneath her breath just for Pink to hear, Pink would count herself very lucky.

But this time Pink didn’t move.

Pink felt more than heard the White’s sharp intake of breath inches from her. White did not tolerate open defiance from anyone, including the other Diamonds, and Pink had just disobeyed her twice.

“You don’t trust me either,” she said finally, her thumb making small, slow circles on Pink’s cheek. “Do you think I enjoy hurting you? Do you think I like watching you suffer?”

Pink gulped. “Do you?”

White’s hand stopped moving abruptly. It dropped from her cheek. “Why would you think that?” she said, her voice low.

“Is…is it a punishment for being shattered?”

“…for being shattered?”

“Diamonds aren’t supposed to be shattered,” Pink whispered, her words almost drowned by the tears that were snaking in her open mouth. “Weak gems are shattered. Diamonds are supposed to be strong. I feel like I’m being punished for being weak.”

White did not speak, and Pink did not dare turn to face her. The not-quite-silence stretched on, until White broke it yet again.

“I’m sorry.”

And it was not the words White said that made Pink turn to look at her but the way she said them. Thick, uneven. Broken. Pink swiveled her head, lifted her eyes, and met a crying White.

Pink had never seen White cry. She had known her all her life and she had never seen her shed a tear. She thought she wasn’t capable of it. But here she was, her silver eyes watery gray, the tears slipping past her cheeks and dripping down her chin. She breathed in a shaky breath when she caught Pink’s eyes, when Pink finally looked at her.

“I’m sorry,” she repeated. “I’m so sorry I ever made you feel that way, that I ever made you feel I could do such a thing. I’m not punishing you…but I don’t want that to happen again. If we leave you delicate and fragile it could happen again. I would never forgive myself if I let you be shattered again. If I…”

White let out a sob. Her hand sprang to her mouth, her eyes wide, as if she could not believe she made that sound. But then her eyes screwed tight and she sobbed again into her closed fist. Her loud sobs continued to echo in the black room as Pink silently watched her.

Fascinated, mesmerized even, Pink reached out a hand and ran it through White’s hair. White gave a shaky breath at Pink’s touch, leaning into it, but continued crying.

“There’s something I have to tell you,” White gulped finally, Pink massaging her scalp with delicate fingers.

“There will be more amplifications,” Pink sighed, the tears dried out of her. Now her voice sounded flat, lifeless. “I know.”

“I shattered you.”

The words hung in the air, crystal clear, despite the sobs that racked White’s body seconds before and seconds after. Pink groped for their meaning. They tumbled in her mind, out of order, too soft or too loud, distorted. Wrong. They were wrong, they had to be wrong. White would never, White couldn’t possibly—

 _But those blinding lights_ , a voice said, not hers but someone’s, broken and jagged. In pieces, her pieces. _Those blinding lights, we’ve seen them before._ _We’ve_ felt _them before._

“You did,” Pink said. And the words left her mouth as if someone else was saying them.

“It was an accident,” White was saying, “If it wasn’t for that Rose Quartz…” but Pink hardly heard her. This new voice, the voice of the past that used to be just feelings, was growing louder until she couldn’t hear anything else but it saying—

“You did shatter me. You tore me apart.”

“Pink—“

“Piece by piece. I remember now.”

White flinched away but Pink’s hand did not leave White’s head. Pink did not get up and run away. She felt overwhelmingly peaceful hearing the answer she didn’t know she was seeking. The frigid glares from Blue, the narrowed, distrustful eyes from Yellow, the grave and solemn acceptance White gave them in return suddenly made sense. She was not shattered by a lowly quartz but the most powerful Diamond. She wasn’t as weak as she thought.

Relieved, Pink hummed a four-note melody, the one White used to sing her. It calmed White, reducing her sobs to soft, heavy breaths.

“I’m so sorry.” White breathed.

Smiling, Pink pulled White into an embrace. She felt White sigh against her shoulder.

“I know.”

*

The day finally came when Pink passed all of White’s tests. White smiled and told Pink that she would never have to be amplified again. Pink laughed, a gleeful, full-throat laugh, and hugged White on the spot. They embraced each other, White laughing with her, and Pink laughed even harder because White laughing was almost as rare as her crying.

White promised her, between spontaneous chuckles, that she would put the energy core back into their ship and they would travel the galaxy again. Just the two of them.


End file.
